Monday, October 20, 2003
HOG REPORT®
 
Another weekly edition of the "totally useless" HOG REPORT®.  "Look, up in the sky, it's a bird, it's a plane, it's a frog...a frog?" "Not bird, nor plane, nor even frog, it's just little 'ole me, UnderHOG!"
 
TOP HOG - the Bear Necessities with a Power Rating of 33.5 are still the TOP HOG.  They are the highest scoring team with 503 points, and lead the C Division with a 5-1 record.  The Bear Necessities plan to celebrate this mid-season's accomplishment when they take an all expense paid trip to Seattle this weekend to watch the Seahawks-Bears game.  Go Bears!  In this publication's humble view the Power Rating provides the most accurate assessment of the league's top team. Three important factors are considered and weighted; Record-Points-Breakdown.  Perhaps the "Supreme Ruler" will find it in his infinite wisdom to consider this measurement next year when determining the Wild Card rather than "Mike's Rule" aka Mike's suggestion.  Enough of my snorting...
 
Every week it would be nice to salute the reigning TOP HOG in a special way. This publication would like to introduce a new feature called the HOG CALL. This may take some practice. It starts with both hands raised high into the air, fingers waving as the volume increases during the word Woooooooooo. The arms pump down on the word Pig and then back into the air on the word Souie. At the end we belch out the TOP HOG's name. Give it a try...
 
    "Woooooooooo, Pig! Souie!
    "Woooooooooo, Pig! Souie!
    "Woooooooooo, Pig! Souie! Butch, Butch, Butch!"
 
groupHOG - the following teams will now gather for a groupHOG... the aforementioned Bear Necessities, TA&T's Rough Riders and Doomsday's C4 Explosives.  Hey wait a minute... didn't these guys have a groupHOG last week?  Let's keep it quick in there... how unsightly... please keep your hands to yourselves!  Ok, ok... that's enough.  Next thing you know they start makin' bacon over there.  Let's keep it clean, this is a family publication.
 
HOG of the week - the Pigskins were barbecued this past week by the Buffalo Soldiers.  The pork fest grilling left the other white meat burned.  The loss left the Pigskins severely scarred, as there was no oinkment to be found to help soothe the wounds.  The match up was anything but boaring.  Pigskins went into Monday night ahead 75-40 seemingly confident.  But the wholeHOG combo of Bulger and Holt exploded for a 92-84 lead.  The next day, notwithstanding a scoring adjustment made on Pigskins behalf for the Randy McMichael offensive fumble recovery for a TD, the Buffalo Soldiers proudly claim their 1st victory!  This loss, coupled with an early week swine-nus infection, left the Pigskins feeling like they had gotten ran over by a HOGley Davidson.   Actually it was the Buffalo Soldiers marching right past the Pigskins on a BYE week.  The Buffalo Soldiers, no longer helpless or hapless, are honored for a second week in a row as this publications' HOG of the week.
 
PIG Snort - highest scoring team is Bear Necessities with 503 points for.  Team with most points scored against is Buffalo Soldiers with 557.  PIG Poop - this week C Division's record is 14-10-0, TA&T is 13-11-0, and Doomsday is 8-14-2.  PIG Squeal - As the Buffalo Soldiers got BYE Pigskins 92-90, the Widowmakers got by Derrick Mason 40-39. 
 
PIG Deal - another trade last night, Southsiders send Peerless Price to Flea Flickers for Jeff Blake and Minnesota Defense. 
 
PIGposterous - In the latest SFFL poll, Brenda Warner is the clear favorite...  Which football Diva would we prefer to see in Playboy?
                                Elaine Klimaszewski   1

                                Diane Klimaszewski  0

                                Brenda Warner   4

                                Paris Hilton  0
 
HOG Breakdown - aka "Mike's Rule"...  Division leaders in bold, the wild card team in red and is the non-divisional leader with the best breakdown record.  Well let's just see "Where's Widow" this week...
 
    Puck Fackers  47-19-0
    Pigskins  44-21-1
    Bear Necessities  41-24-1
    C4 Explosives  37-27-2
    Rough Riders  37-29-0
    Buffalo Soldiers  32-33-1
    Widowmakers  32-34-0 
    D-Teasers  30-35-1   
    Southsiders  29-36-1
    Blackcats  27-38-1
    P-Cubed  20-45-1
    Flea Flickers  15-50-1
   
QB HOG - 6 teams with 3 QB's;  Bearly Necessary, Cupreme Ruler's Explosives, Nose Pickers, Pigletskins, Hockey Puck Fockers, and Pony Riders.  RB HOG - Cupreme Ruler has 5 RB's (Davis,Shipp,Betts,Lewis,Taylor).  WR HOG - 3 teams with 5 WR's; Paint it Black Cat, Nose Pickers, and Vinyl Siders.  DST HOG - Defensive Teasers get mentioned for having 3 DST's (Patriots,Steelers,Bears)
 
PIGgy Bank (aka FAAB) -
Blackcats  $23
Puck fackers  $23
Widowmakers  $18
Bear Necessities  $16
Pigskins  $16
Southsiders  $12
Rough Riders  $11
P-Cubed  $8
Flea Flickers  $5
C4 Explosives  $4
D-Teasers  $3
Buffalo soldiers  $2
 
HOG market report (Free agency) - 
Buffalo Soldiers  16 Adds
Pigskins  15
C4 Explosives  12
Rough Riders  10  (Rough Riders went crazy last night spending $23 on Johnnie Morton, Terry Glenn, John Kasay, Freddie Jones, and David Carr)
Southsiders  9
Bear Necessities  7
P-Cubed  7
Widowmakers  7
Flea Flickers  6
Blackcats  6
D-Teasers  5
Puck Fackers  3
 
PORK futures (Trades) -
Buffalo Soldiers, Pigskins, C4 Explosives, Southsiders  2 trades each
Blackcats, Bear Necessities, Flea flickers, Rough Riders  1 trade each
Widowmakers, Puck Fackers, D-Teasers, P-Cubed  (you click "transactions, then "trade"...)
 
 
 
Steve Bartman and the twins.... nuff said.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Steve Bartman action figure, available exclusively from the Friendly Confines! 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Be sure to tune in next week... same Bartman time... same Bartman channel.