Hog Report®

Oink, oink, snort… here comes the Hog Report® for week 2.

Hog of the Week – “Just give me the damn ball”…. the Rough Riders just want a darn victory.  The Rough Riders fell upon hard luck and P-Cubed 109-105.  Quarterback Harrington, sitting calmly on the bench, could have made the difference for the Riders as he threw for 3 TDs on Sunday.  Hats off to P-Cubed for having a great day… Pennington (258 yards, 2 TDs), Barlow (123 yards, 2 TDs), Holt (121 yards, 1 TD) and rookie Chris Brown (160 yards, 1 TD).  Rough Riders Curtis Martin continues his fantasy surge with 2 TDs again this week, while the “Edge” ran for 2 TDs as well.  Again, we need to split this highly esteemed award to both teams.  On Any (other) Given Sunday, the Rough Riders would have romped.  With the right lineup in they would have been this week’s high scorer.  Cudos to P-Cubed for having the right lineup in and being this week’s high scorer!  This publication bestows the Hog of the Week honor to both Brad and Roosevelt. Congrats!

HOTW Past winners…

Week 1 – Puck Fackers, Buffalo Soldiers

Week 2 – P-Cubed, Rough Riders

The Hog Report® presents its exclusive ‘post game analysis’…  this year, to expand upon our reputation of providing totally useless information, we take a look at what could have been.  Aided by highly sophisticated gadgetry (calculators) and state-of-the-art statistical notation (paper and pencil), this publication has compiled mind-numbing estimatics (report below) that backwardly projects optimal scores based on optimal lineups.  Have you ever said, “You know something’s wrong with the SFFL when Eddie George, Emmitt Smith, and Roy Williams outscore Rudi Johnson, Deuce McAllister and Marvin Harrison!” (Brian?).  We’ve all said similar things like this before.  Well, this section will take a look at the winners and losers, and what could’ve been.  This column will present something totally meaningless and stupid… what the results could have been if we had started the right guys.  Or what we’d like to call “Points in the Pen” (*Disclaimer – nobody would really start Emmitt Smith or Eddie George anyway.  BUT IF THEY DID…).

Cubed 109 Riders 105

What have the Riders got to do?  They score 105 points… they trade Tony Gonzalez away for Curtis Martin to shore up their RB situation… they add Keyshawn “Gimme the damn ball” Johnson and TE Eric Johnson… they start Jake “the snake” Plummer instead of Harrington…. Wait, stop right there!  If Roosevelt had started Harry Joey-ington, they would have won the game.  Give P-Cubed credit… Brad ups his record to a perfect 2-0… with NO INJURIES!!!  Unbelievable!  With all the broken legs (Smith and Winslow) and high ankle sprains (McAllister and Heap)… how’s P-Cubed avoiding injury this year?  Wish I knew.  Off to their best start in their 3rd year, P-Cubed rode the fantasy performances this week of Pennington (258 yards, 2 TDs), Barlow (123 yards 2 TDs), Holt (121 yards, 1 TD), and rookie Chris Brown (160 yards, 1 TD) en route to a V-I-C-T-O-R-Y.  Poor Rough Riders, they can spell it.  A hundred points is usually a victory, just give them a damn win!  There were some Points in the Pen… Riders’s Harrington 18 points and Coles 8 points.  With computer generated optimal lineups, the outcome could’ve been different…

Riders 114 Cubed 109

Explosives 84 Pigs 51

C4 dropped a 33 point (bomb) win on Pigskins.  It’s pretty embarrassing when your bench outscores your starters… but that’s exactly what happen on Sunday to the Pigskins.  The C4 Explosives earn their first victory of the young season over the hapless Pigs.  The Explosives received their fantasy production from Culpepper (343 yards, 1 TD), Jamal Lewis (62 yards, 2 TDs), TE Graham (2 TDs), and D. Davis (173 all purpose yards).  The only bright spot for the Pigs is perhaps they found their WR replacement for Steve Smith (broken leg).  Donte Stallworth had 113 yards and a receiving TD.  But the Pigs started Mushin Muhammad instead… whom they spent $13 FAAB dollars on... ala DT and Olandis Gary ($33).  There were some Points in the Pen… Robinson, Stallworth, and Dunn.  With computer generated optimal lineups, the outcome would’ve been… a tie!

Explosives 84 Pigs 84

Bears 83 Siders 53

The Bear Necessities romp past the Routhsiders by 30 points!  Preseason “3 Athletes And A Thinker” favorite Southsiders are struggling…  I can’t figure it out, this is a good team laden with fantasy talent (McNair, R. Johnson, McAllister, and Harrison).  Da Bears… did I mentioned that the Chicago Bears beat the Green Bay Packers 21-10 on Sunday??… are hitting on all cylinders.  Butch received big fantasy production from Brooks (279 yards, 3 TDs), Thomas Jones (159 yards, 1 TD), Owens (76 yards, 1 TD), and R. Moss (69 yards, 1TD).  Brian was quick to point out on Monday that his backups… Emmitt Smith, Eddie George, and Roy Williams OUTSCORED his starters, Rudi Johnson, Deuce McAllister and Marvin Harrison, 41-12.  Wow!  There were Points in the Pen for both teams… but the outcome remains the same… Bears win!  The optimal score would have been…

Bears 96 Siders 82

Widows 76 Cats 47

Widowmakers caught the Blackcats napping… Cat Nap, get it?... and turned in a 29 point victory.  Boden’s Cats are licking their wounds… their lone fantasy highlight, Hines Ward with 151 yards and a TD.  Delhomme produced 3 TDs on the bench…. “Hey Dave, he’s screaming for a start!”  Henning’s Widowmakers received nice fantasy production from Tomlinson (163 yards, 1 TD), Brady (217 yards, 2 TDs), and the Cowboy Defense (1 Safety, 3 Interceptions, and a Sack).  Earlier in the week, the Widowmakers pulled off a nice trade with the Rough Riders receiving Tony Gonzalez for Curtis Martin.  Only this writer’s opinion, but I believe they are now the team to beat… except during the bye weeks for Faulk and Tomlinson weeks 8 and 10.  Widow’s starting line up looks tough… but I bet he wished he had drafted Edgerrin James instead.  Widows’ Achilles heal (sorry Mike Brown), so to speak, may be Marshall Faulk… stage left, enter Steven Jackson.  But if Marshall stays healthy, then the Widowmakers are the team to beat!  There were Points in the Pen for both teams… Widows’ Walker, the Blackcats’ Delhomme and the Buccanner Defense… but the outcome would remain the same, just a different score…

Widows 83 Cats 77

Fackers 93 Buffs 78

While we earlier pigdicted the Widowmakers are the team to beat, watch out for the Puck Fackers.  Returning SFFL champion Puck Fackers dispose of the Buffalo Soldiers by 15 points!  Behind a bench with the likes of Charles Rogers (out) and Ron Dayne (not really in), Puck Fackers remarkably chose the right starting lineup.  The Buffs Marc Bulger had a nice day passing, 285 yards, but had a fumble lost and an interception.  Moulds and Chambers both recorded TDs for the Buffalo Soldiers.  Puck Fackers… by the way, did you hear that the Chicago Bears beat the Green Bay Packers 21-10 on Sunday??… cruised by the Buffs behind Holmes (82 yards , 1 TD), Wayne (119 yards, 1 TD), McNabb (269 yards, 3 TDs), and Westbrook (138 yards).  Both teams had their optimal scoring lineups in so there was no Points in the Pen.  The final score is the optimal score…

Fackers 93 Buffs 78

Teasers 85 Fleas 73

Nobodies going to take the Teasers lightly from now on… D-Teasers, behind DeShaun “DeStud” Foster, tip the Flea Flickers by 12 points.  For some reason I always think of the word “tip” when I write about the D-Teasers… last week they were “tipped” by the Fackers…  by 38 points (BIG tip).  DT’s back in this thing… gaining superb fantasy performances from Manning (254 yards, 2 TDs), “DeStud” Foster (174 yards, 1 TD), and A. Johnson (87 yards, 1 TD).  The Flea Flickers were right there… the incredible Michael Vick had 109 yards rushing, 179 yards passing and 1 TD.  Corey Dillon (157 yards) and Joe Horn (94 yards) also contributed… but the Fleas just came up short.  For an incredible second week in a row, DT had the optimal lineup in.  Even if he doesn’t win this thing, there’s got to be something notable about that??…. maybe a Manager of the year award???  There was no Points in the Pen. Again, the final score is the optimal score…

Teasers 85 Fleas 73

A list you want to be on…

Optimal Lineups – Managers of the week

Week 1 – Puck Fackers, D-Teasers

Week 2 - Puck Fackers, D-Teasers, P-Cubed, C4 Explosives, Buffalo Soldiers, Flea Flickers

A list you don’t want to be on…

Optimal Wins – games you would not have lost with the right lineup in (please see *Disclaimer)

Week 1 – Blackcats, Flea Flickers, C4 Explosives

Week 2 – Roughriders, Pigskins (Tie)

… and finally, in a virtual tie for first place.

Where’s Widow?