Hog Report®

Oink, oink, snort… here comes the Hog Report® for week 3.

Hog of the Week –  Look in the sky… it’s a plane, it’s a bird, it’s a frog.  A Frog?  Not plane or bird nor even frog… it’s just little old Butch… Underdog.  This kind of sums up the Bear Necessities.  Two years running, Butch goes against all conventional wisdom and builds his team with two stud wide receivers.  The formula worked well until about the middle of last season when his team began to struggle.  This year, backed by better quarterbacks and Thomas Jones, the Bear Necessities are undefeated and the second highest scoring team (285 points).  The  Puck Fackers are undefeated and the highest scoring team (289 points), but this week the kudos goes to the Bears.  Did you know that Thomas Jones leads the NFC in rushing yards and the NFL in total yards from scrimmage?  Butch wisely kept him from last year’s squad at a $1.00.  Favre, Moss, Jones, and Owens boost Butch into this weeks spotlight.  This publication bestows the Hog of the Week honor to the Bear Necessities. Congratulations Butch!

HOTW Past winners…

Week 1 – Puck Fackers, Buffalo Soldiers

Week 2 – P-Cubed, Rough Riders

Week 3 – Bear Necessities

The Hog Report® presents its exclusive ‘post game analysis’…  this year, to expand upon our reputation of providing totally useless information, we take a look at what could have been.  Aided by highly sophisticated gadgetry (calculators) and state-of-the-art statistical notation (paper and pencil), this publication has compiled mind-numbing estimatics (report below) that backwardly projects optimal scores based on optimal lineups.  Now presenting something totally meaningless and stupid… what the results could have been if we had started the right guys.  Or what we’d like to call “Points in the Pen”

Bears 113 Cats 80

Blackcats improve, but it’s not enough to knock off the Bears.  Butch is making fantasy football look easy.  95 points from Favre (360 yards, 4 TDs), Moss (119 yards, 2 TDs), Owens (107 yards, 1 TD) and Thomas Jones (181 yards, 1 TD) is enough to beat most any team any week.  Week in and out, the Bears are scoring in bunches… they are the 2^nd highest scoring team currently.  The Blackcats worked a trade last week sending WR Santana Moss to the Pigskins for RB Warrick Dunn.  Then, the Cats dropped owner favorite Mark Brunell and picked up Giants QB Warner.  The Cats are a much improved team behind Warrick and Brenda.  Don’t tell Dave that Brunell exploded for 23 fantasy points producing 325 yards and 2 TDs…   Some things are better left unsaid, plus it wouldn’t have mattered anyway.  The Cats left just a few Points in the Pen, the optimum score would have been…

Bears 113 Cats 86

Fackers 93 Cubed 79

Tough loss for P-Cubed… maybe if they had picked up a defense last week?  Had Brad visited a fortune teller during the week, he had known that the Arizona Cardinal defense would have scored 15 points to help push his team past the Puck Fackers.  The good news here is that  Brad continues his injury free season.  Keep an eye on Torry Holt though… he’s a St Louis Ram.  Brad has had difficulties in the past keeping St Louis Rams healthy… remember Warner and Faulk.  Will’s team continues to roll… Reggie Wayne breaks out with 184 yards and a TD.  Add to that McNabb (356 yards, 3 TDs) and Holmes (134 yards) performances...  the reigning champion Puck Fackers stay undefeated and the highest scoring team in the SFFL (place target in full view on Will’s back).  C’mon guys, we’ve got to knock this team out!  Both teams played their optimal scoring lineups… have they got access to our highly sophisticated means of determining this???  No Points in the Pen, so the final score is the optimal score…

Fackers 93 Cubed 79

Teasers 81 Riders 80

Morning headlines read, “DT tips Rough Riders!”  How huge was that Kansas City Chiefs defensive interception (2 points)?  I take back everything I’ve said about DeStud-Teasers.  Peyton Manning throws for 395 yards and 5 TD passes (in the 1^st half)!  Watch out next week as DT gets DeStud Foster back after a bye week.  Rough Riders go to goose egg and three (0-3).  Roosevelt received nice performances from Jake Plummer (294 yards and 2 TDs) and the Edge (79 yards 1TD).  Just think… if Jake had passed for just 6 more yards and if Edgerrin had rushed for only 1 more yard.  The Rough Riders would have won (82-81).  There were just a few Points in the Pen, the optimal score would have been…

Teasers 84 Riders 80

Widow 95 Explosives 91

Where’s Widow?  Just cruising along in 1^st place in the Three Athletes And A Thinker(Widow) division.  Mike’s an old Cowboy fan and picked up Vinny Testicles to play during Tom Brady’s bye week.  Nice move… Vinny gets the job done (214 yards, 1 TD).  I’m so happy he found Jason Witten (Pigskins) in the end zone!  C4 received outstanding production from both Dante Culpepper (360 yards, 2 TDs) and Jamal Lewis (232 yards, 1 TD).  Had Mikey gone with Brad to the Fortune Teller… he had known that Javon Walker (200 yards, 3 TDs) and Rod Gardner (167 yards, 2 TDs) were strong plays this week.  Yes, there were Points in the Pen, the optimal score would have been…

Widow 143 Explosives 104

Pigs 88 Siders 81

The good news… Southsiders find a great fill-in for the Deuce.., Aaron Stecker (126 yards, 1TD).  The bad news… he was benched.  In a scene reminiscent of Studs to Duds… Southsiders have officially changed their team name to “The Badluck Duds”.  Can you blame them?  The Southsiders Roy Williams broke out with a 135 yard 2 TD performance.  Brian received lesser production from the rest of the corps… QB Steve McNair was hospitalized with a butt stinger.  The Pigskins squeaked by the Siders behind the Seahawks defense (2 Fumbles Recovered, 2 Interceptions, and 3 Sacks), Fatboy Janikowski (3 FGs, 3 XPs) and QB Hassellbeck (254 yards, 2 TDs).  RBs Green and  Portis have been relatively quiet for the Oinkers since week one.  There were Points in the Pen, and the Southsiders may be saying, “oh, what could’ve been!”… the optimal score would have been…

Siders 101 Pigs 88

Soldiers 90 Flickers 28

In the most embarrassing game of the week… the Buffalo Soldiers annihilate the Flea Flickers 90-28.  Can it get any worse for the Flickers?  Their lone bright spot was Joe Horn 91 yards and a TD… that’s it.  Hey, if the Southsiders changed their name… I’d say the Flea Flickers ought to consider changing their name to the “Flea Floppers”.  Has there ever been a lower score in the SFFL?  Our research indicates that DT still holds the lowest score record of 23 points.  This feat was accomplished during week 7 of the 2003 SFFL season.  The Buffalo Soldiers continue to surprise me… but it’s still hard for me to imagine Bulger (358 yards, 2 TDs) and Barber (154 yards, 1 TD) leading this group to the championship.  There were a few Points in the Pen, the optimal score would have been…

Soldiers 99 Flickers 32

A list you want to be on…

Optimal Lineups – Managers of the week

Week 1 – Puck Fackers, D-Teasers

Week 2 – Puck Fackers, D-Teasers, P-Cubed, C4 Explosives, Buffalo Soldiers, Flea Flickers

Week 3 – Puck Fackers, P-Cubed, Bear Necessities, Pigskins, Rough Riders

A list you don’t want to be on…

Optimal Wins – games you would not have lost with the right lineup in

Week 1 – Blackcats, Flea Flickers, C4 Explosives

Week 2 – Roughriders, Pigskins (Tie)

Week 3 – Southsiders

And finally, back by popular demand (Hennings)…

Where’s Widow?