Hog Report®

Oink, oink, snort… here comes the Hog Report® for week 4.

Hog of the Week – Everyone continues to doubt DT… no more.  Even our league Commissioner publicly announced his apologies to the Teasers last night in a posting on the SFFL web site.  D-Teasers roll to a convincing 105 to 56 thrashing of last weeks hog of the week Bear Necessities.  D-Teasers, complete with Andre Johnson (but not Marcell Shipp) for Stephen Davis, defeated an undefeated Bears squad handedly.  DT’s looking pretty formidable right now heading into a divisional clash with yours truly.  This is not the forum to talk smack; I’d rather keep the integrity for which this publication is known for intact.  This is David’s time.  So, this publication bestows the Hog of the Week honor to the D-Teasers. Congratulations DT!

HOTW Past winners…

Week 1 – Puck Fackers, Buffalo Soldiers

Week 2 – P-Cubed, Rough Riders

Week 3 – Bear Necessities

Week 4 – D-Teasers

The Hog Report® presents its exclusive ‘post game analysis’…  this year, to expand upon our reputation of providing totally useless information, we take a look at what could have been.  Aided by highly sophisticated gadgetry (calculators) and state-of-the-art statistical notation (paper and pencil), this publication has compiled mind-numbing estimatics (report below) that backwardly projects optimal scores based on optimal lineups.  Now presenting something totally meaningless and stupid… what the results could have been if we had started the right guys.  Or what we’d like to call “Points in the Pen”

Teasers 105 Bears 56

DT (REALLY) tipped the Bears!  They actually pounded the Bears by 49 points.  Coming off last weeks Hog of the Week honor, the Bears seemed rather ordinary this week.  Whether they missed Randy Moss or were still stewing about last years trade involving Marcell Shipp, Andre Johnson, and Stephen Davis… I don’t know.  The fact is DT put one on them.  D-Teasers seemed to have come from nowhere to assemble a high scoring bunch of players.  This past week DT received exceptional and balanced contributions from Manning (220 yards, 2 TD), Suggs (88 yards, 1TD), Foster (105 yards, 1TD), Andre Johnson (115 yards, 1TD), and Akers (4 FGs).  Even the Kansas City Chiefs defense scored 10 fantasy points.  The Bears lone highlight was Terrell Owens 110 yards and a TD.  Both teams played their optimum lineups, so there were no Points in the Pen.  The optimal score is the final score…

Teasers 105 Bears 56

Pigs 68 Pretty Pathetic Players 44

Pigskins survived without a Tight End to squeak past P-Cubed by 24 points.  Not saying I have a flabby butt, just indicating my roster was devoid of that particular position.  I kept checking my connection at home thinking CBS Sportline must be having server problems.  The problem last Sunday was the result of some “Pretty Pathetic Players”… really on both sides of the ball.  The Pigskins could only muster 68 points behind a breakout performance by Byron Leftwich (318 yards, 1TD).  P-Cubed finally received something from Jeremy Shockey (74 yards, 1TD), but the rest of his team was pretty pathetic.  There were some pathetic Points in the Pen.  With optimal lineups and scoring the results remain the same, but the score would be…

Pigs 76 Pretty Pathetic Players 54

Explosives 52 Cats 48

While we’re on the topic of “pathetic”… C4 Explosives outlast the Blackcats 52-48.  Added together they can't beat DT.  It took a fourth quarter Monday Night Football touchdown by Jamal Lewis to bring this match up to its exciting conclusion.  There for a short while it appeared that Boden would best Augie… had the Kansas City Defense intercepted a Kyle Boller pass to thwart C4 comeback?  Nope.  Much like crossing the path of a Blackcat, Boden has no luck and no wins.  Since P-Cubed now stands for Pretty Pathetic Players… what does C4 stand for?  Maybe Can’t (Run, Pass, Kick or Defend)?  The highlights are short… Jamal Lewis (73 yards, 1TD), Jimmy Smith (59 yards, 1TD)…  and Warrick Dunn (76 yards, 1TD).  One bright spot, Dave Boden played his optimal lineup!  There were Points in the Pen for C4.  With optimal lineups the score would have been…

Explosives 60 Cats 48

Riders 89 Badluck Duds 78

Speaking of name changes… after last weeks lost, the team formerly known as Southsiders changed their name to The Badluck Duds.  Playing through injuries (McAllister, McNair) this week, the Southsiders come up short.  This match up featured the thrilling appeal that one of these teams would win their first game, and one would remain "defeated"… the opposite of undefeated.  The Rough Riders pony-ed up to feel the thrill of victory… while The Badluck Duds felt the trampling and pony hoofs to realize the agony of deFEET.  Roosevelt received some balanced scoring from the likes of Curtis Martin (141 yards, 1TD), Edgerrin James (108 yards, 1TD), and Derrick Mason (94 yards, 1TD).  TE Eric Johnson continues to amaze.  For the Duds, Rudi Johnson score his first TD and Isaac Bruce is off to his best start ever with another 100 yard receiving afternoon.  Rough Riders played their optimal lineup, while the Duds left some Points in the Pen.  The outcome remains the same, but the score could have been…

Riders 89 Badluck Duds 84

Fackers 84 Flickers 58

The Puck Fackers remain undefeated beating the Flea Floppers by 26 points.  It’s early in the season, but the Flea Flickers are hurting (Stephen Davis, Kellen Winslow).  It tough to make the playoffs starting out 0-4.  The Fackers Will Nott lose behind quality performances like… McNabb (237 yards, 2TD), Westbrook (178 yards), Holmes (125 yards, 2TD), and Jason Elam (3 FGs).  The Fleas highlights included… Dillon (102 yards, 1TD) and Conway (55 yards, 1TD).  When Curtis Conway is one of your only highlights, things are tough.  There were some Points in the Pen.  The outcome’s the same, but the score could have been…

Fackers 96 Flickers 71

Soldiers 95 Widowmakers 86

In a performance nearly worthy of consideration for this weeks Hog Of The Week honor, the Buffalo Soldiers hold on to upset the Widowmakers by 9 points.  I’m sure Mikey was to be found last night sitting in his lazy boy chair… wearing his tightie whities with appropriate beverages and munchies…. watching… waiting… looking for Tony Gonzalez to get 80 yards and a TD.  It didn’t happen.  Widow drops to 2-1, while the Buffs move into a tie for first place with the divisional tie breaker on their side.  For more on the Widow see Where’s Widow below.  Widow received nice performances from Tom Brady (298 yards, 2TD) and Tomlinson (160 yards, 1TD).  The Buffalo Soldiers continue to surprise behind Tiki Barber (196 yards, 1TD). Tiki is quite the stud back this year.  The Buffalo Soldiers marched past the Widowmakers with solid production from Eric Moulds (126 yards, 1TD), and another stellar performance from the New England Patriot defense (7 sacks, TD, Interception, and a Fumble Recovered).  Mikey played his optimal lineup, so he can’t complain this week.  Yadda, yadda, yadda… how many times do we have to listen to Hennings complain about his bench.  There were some Buffalo Points in the Pen, the score could have been…

Soldiers 112 Widowmakers 86

A list you want to be on…

Optimal Lineups – Managers of the week

Week 1 – Puck Fackers, D-Teasers

Week 2 – Puck Fackers, D-Teasers, P-Cubed, C4 Explosives, Buffalo Soldiers, Flea Flickers

Week 3 – Puck Fackers, P-Cubed, Bear Necessities, Pigskins, Rough Riders

Week 4 – D-Teasers, Bear Necessities, Rough Riders, Widowmakers, Blackcats

A list you don’t want to be on…

Optimal Wins – games you would have won with the optimal lineup in

Week 1 – Blackcats, Flea Flickers, C4 Explosives

Week 2 – Roughriders

Week 3 – Southsiders

Week 4 – None

And finally, back by popular (Hennings) demand…

Where’s Widow?