Hog Report®

Oink, oink, snort… here comes the Hog Report® for week 5…

I realize that the hog report this year “reads great, but is less funny”… hey c’mon… to quote the words of George W Bush… “This is hard work!”  Have a Miller Light… “It taste great, and is less filling!”  Then watch some football and hope they put on that Hardees commercial with that cowgirl riding that buckin’ bronco… wow!

Hog of the Week – So who’s the hog of the week?  Boy this is a tough one… how many quarterbacks throw for 5 TDs twice in a season?  Heck, Dante Culpepper is my hog of the week!  Any team with that guy has got to win.  C4 Explosives did just that and put up 107 fantasy points.  But another team is equally deserving of this weeks honor.  Those Pony Riders put together a team effort to also score 107 points this week!  Hmmmm… do we have a tie?  I think so.  Both teams have put together 2 game winning streaks and join the Buffalo Soldiers (3 game winning streak) and D-Teasers (4 game winning streak) as the hottest teams in the league.  So we honor C4 Explosives and the Rough Riders as the Hog of the Week.  Congrats to Augie and Roosevelt!

HOTW Past winners…

Week 1 – Puck Fackers, Buffalo Soldiers

Week 2 – P-Cubed, Rough Riders

Week 3 – Bear Necessities

Week 4 – D-Teasers

Week 5 – C4 Explosives, Rough Riders

The Hog Report® presents its exclusive ‘post game analysis’…  this year, to expand upon our reputation of providing totally useless information, we take a look at what could have been.  Aided by highly sophisticated gadgetry (calculators) and state-of-the-art statistical notation (paper and pencil), this publication has compiled mind-numbing estimatics (report below) that backwardly projects optimal scores based on optimal lineups.  Now presenting something totally meaningless and stupid… what the results could have been if we had started the right guys.  Or what we’d like to call “Points in the Pen”

Explosives 107 Floppers 51

C4 Explosives blew the Flea Flickers to smithereens this week.  Dante Culpepper is a quarterback among nickel and dime backs.  42 points!  Geez… I scored only 49 points this week!  Poor Brian, I feel your pain, gosh if you had only played the lowly Pigskins this week… time to cut bait and plan for next year I guess.  C4 is getting incredible production from the aforementioned quarterback position…. and yards, plenty of yards from the rest of his team.  C4 advanced past a must win situation last week facing a determine Blackcat squad… then, they complete a deal sending Dominick Davis to Buffalo for Eric Moulds… wait, isn’t Moulds still in Buffalo playing for the Bills?... now they flip the floppers to stay within a game of division leading DT…. DT?  Yes, DT.  Augie’s main concern for the next three weeks is who’s gonna fill Jamal Lewis’ shoes?  Jamal has a bye, and time off for bad behavior.  Gonna be awhile??  Maybe Jamal has time to enjoy a Snickers with that Coke?  There were some Points in the Pen…

Explosives 115 Floppers 68

Pony Riders 107 Fockers 89

Two time hog of the week (see HOTW feature) Rough Riders trampled previously undefeated Puck Fackers in convincing manner this week.  I must say, the Puck Fackers did well considering they were utilizing their back up QB and RB.  89 points without McNabb and Holmes… I’d take that.  But, the Rough Riders were unbeatable this week… heck their bench (44 points) nearly outscore my team (It’s all about me… isn’t it?).  The Edge (155 yards, TD), TE Eric Johnson (162 yards, TD) and the Ravens Defense (107 yards allowed, 3 Sacks, TD, FR) helped Roosevelt make sure that the Puck Fackers “Will Nott” win.  And, they DID NOT WIN!  Will had a nice back up plan for McNabb… picking up David Carr a couple weeks ago who threw for 372 yards and 3 TDs. He even rushed for 21 yards.  Looks like a great keeper for next year.  There were some Points in the Pen…

Pony Riders 120 Fockers 91

D-Teasers 73 Oinkers 49

Talk about embarrassing…. I had a chance to move ahead against a team I still believe has nothing more than Peyton Manning and Andre Johnson.  I must eat crow… they kicked my bootie.  Did they win, or did I lose?  Is DT about as lucky as Brian Cunningham (sorry BP) is unlucky?  These are the thoughts I have as I think about this catastrophe.  Am I off base here?  What in the name of Alge Crumpler does DT have?  I may be cutting bait soon too if my so called studs don’t turn it around soon.  My highlight??? Matt Hasselbeck threw for 216 yards and 2 TDs… before halftime.  In the second half he didn’t do a damn thing.  The rest of my team must have thought it was Columbus Day (holiday) or something.  And how agonizing was it to watch Koren Robinson?  Oh geez… hand me some pain killers.  Let’s hand it to DT though…  Manning threw for 198 yards, 3 TDs and Andre Johnson producing a stud-like 170 yards, 2 TDs.  As I said earlier… that’s all DT has.  Then, all DT needed was Lee Suggs’ 50 yards to finish me off.  Oh well, good game DT… but, I’m still bitter!  My team sucks!  There were some Points in the Pen…

D-Teasers 86 Oinkers 56

Blackcats 95 Gone Southsiders for the Winter 69

A match up between two winless teams… somebody had to come away from the contest with a W.  Boden’s Blackcats, playing without a tight end, scratched and clawed their way past the Southsiders to send Brian’s team “south for the winter”.  Actually, this “playing without a TE” has been quite the phenomenon this year… C4 beats Blackcats without a TE, Pigskins beat P-Cubed without a TE, and now Blackcats follow the trend and beats Southsiders without a TE.  Even the Widowmakers won this week without a TE.  A roll of the dice??... certainly.  But in the fantasy football realm… the TE doesn’t figure that significantly into the outcome of these games.  C4’s tale was slightly different… they had a baby and Augie forgot about the football league.  AUGIE!  What’s wrong with you… wake up man!  Plus, Augie not only played without a TE but a QB too.  No further research is available on how often this has happened successfully.  Back to our story… Blackcats got the monkey off their back behind Shaun Alexander (154 yards, TD), Delhomme (173 yards 2 TDs), Warrick Dunn (75 yards, TD), Andre Davis (101 yards, TD), and the nice showing from kicker Phil Dawson and the Buccaneers Defensive team.  The Southsiders did have Steve McNair’s 206 yards, 2 TDs and Antonio Gate’s 93 yards, 2 TDs.  There were some Points in the Pen…

Blackcats 95 Gone Southsiders for the Winter 82

Buffs 92 Bears 69

The Buffalo Soldiers continue their surprising run through the SFFL with a rather convincing win over the depleted Bear Necessities.  A rough couple of weeks for the Bears.  Last week Moss was on a bye… now this week Owens has a bye and TJ Duckett sits.  Opposing teams better take notice from this point on… the Bears will not give any quarter.  Look for Butch to insert both stud wide receivers the rest of the way and challenge for the prestigious C Division title.  Meanwhile, the Buffs are cruising along enjoying the view from the top of the Three Men and a Widow division… plus, Matt owns the tie breaker between himself and co-division leader Widowmakers (Buhuhahahahaha).  Spencer is riding the weekly contributions of Marc Bulger (325 yards, 4 TDs) and Tiki Barber (198 yards, TD).  The Buffalo bench scored 72 points, enough to beat 4 other (nearly 6 other) SFFL teams this week.  I see the Buffs as a much better team than I first imagined in the preseason, unlike my thoughts about the D-Teasers.  Although I question sending Eric Moulds to C4 for Dominick Davis… but, so far he’s 4-1 and winning… I just manage the lowly Pigskins and try to hammer out a hog report each week.  There were some Points in the Pen…

Buffs 112 Bears 80

Widowmakers 89 Pretty Pathetic Players 76

Hennings is damn lucky he’s got Javon Walker.  Mike almost choked on some fried fish the other night watching Chris Brown dance all over the Green Bay Packers.  There for awhile it looked like P-Cubed would have enough to slip by the Widowmakers… but Javon Walker came alive along with Ryan Longwell to hold off Brad’s late surge.  Mike's got a good team and received solid contributions from all positions except the tight end slot.  Mike forgot, or was lazy enough, to not pick up a reserve TE this week to cover Tony Gonzalez’s bye week.  This is Hennings little bone to pick… you see he’d like to see the TE position dropped and replaced with a FLEX or UTILITY slot.  Not that I’d ever want to agree with Mike, since he always thinks he’s right… but there’s some merit there.  Personally, this beat writer would like to stick with tradition and stay the course… its hard work (remember).  But I figure whatever’s in the best interest of the league… plus, it’s the same for everybody.  Back to the story… Widowmakers slipped by P-Cubed behind Walker (159 yards, TD), Thomlinson (134 yards, TD) and D-Jack (91 yards, TD).  P-Cubed has the best impersonation of last years Bronco Clinton Portis in the form of Tennessee running back Chris Brown.  Hey Brad… make me an offer!  And Brad received another nice game from Pennington (304 yards, TD) and Jeremy Shockey (44 yards, TD).  Two weeks in a row for Shockey… that’s quite the tight end!  Hennings luckily played his optimal lineup this week… while Brad left some Points in the Pen, the outcome could’ve been…

Pretty Pathetic Players 91 Widowmakers 89

A list you want to be on…

Optimal Lineups – Managers of the week

Week 1 – Puck Fackers, D-Teasers

Week 2 – Puck Fackers, D-Teasers, P-Cubed, C4 Explosives, Buffalo Soldiers, Flea Flickers

Week 3 – Puck Fackers, P-Cubed, Bear Necessities, Pigskins, Rough Riders

Week 4 – D-Teasers, Bear Necessities, Rough Riders, Widowmakers, Blackcats

Week 5 – Widowmaker, Blackcats

A list you don’t want to be on…

Optimal Wins – games you would have won with the optimal lineup in

Week 1 – Blackcats, Flea Flickers, C4 Explosives

Week 2 – Roughriders

Week 3 – Southsiders

Week 4 – NA

Week 5 – P-Cubed

And finally, back by popular (Hennings) demand…

Where’s Widow? Pigskins?