Oink, oink, snort… here comes the Hog Report® for week 6.

Hog of the Week – Guess who threw for 5 TDs again??  Yep, Dante Culpepper… and guess who’s this week’s hog of the week… yep, C4 Explosives.  Culpepper is on pace for 58 TDs, which would shatter Dan Marino’s NFL record of 48 TDs in a season.  Augie would take that and ride the Dante Express to the championship.  C4’s in good shape even with Jamal Lewis serving a bye week and a 2 week suspension… Mewelde Moore to the rescue!  And, Fragile Freddie comes alive with a 64 yard TD reception.  C4 plays P-Cubed next week in high definition!  What a time last night at Brad’s watching the 43” Hitachi wide screen… it kicked A$$.  It was a lot of fun having picture in a picture while watching MNF and the MLB playoffs… we’ve got to do it again sometime!  Thanks Brad.  But we honor C4 Explosives (again) not Brad as the Hog of the Week.  Congrats to Augie!

HOTW Past winners…

Week 1 – Puck Fackers, Buffalo Soldiers

Week 2 – P-Cubed, Rough Riders

Week 3 – Bear Necessities

Week 4 – D-Teasers

Week 5 – C4 Explosives, Rough Riders

Week 6 – C4 Explosives

The Hog Report® presents its exclusive ‘post game analysis’…  this year, to expand upon our reputation of providing totally useless information, we take a look at what could have been.  Aided by highly sophisticated gadgetry (calculators) and state-of-the-art statistical notation (paper and pencil), this publication has compiled mind-numbing estimatics (report below) that backwardly projects optimal scores based on optimal lineups.  Now presenting something totally meaningless and stupid… what the results could have been if we had started the right guys.  Or what we’d like to call “Points in the Pen”

Explosives 118 Gone Southsiders for the Winter 55

In a contest that featured the highest scoring team of the week against the lowest scoring team of the week… C4 pounds the Southsiders by 63 points!  Its performances like this that earn team managers the highly coveted Hog Of The Week award (see HOTW feature).  It appears that the Southsiders will toil in Loserville this year (which I really find hard to believe).  The Hog Report has learned that team owner Brian Cunningham and the Widowmakers (bite pinkey finger) may be headed for a rather HUGE trade this week… more on this later, back to our report… the Southsiders only highlight this week was Deuce McAllister’s 93 yards and 2 TDs.  On the bench, the Eagles Defense scored a TD, 2 sacks and 4 interceptions.  C4 is riding the hot play of Dante Culpepper… another 5 TD afternoon!  Fragile Freddie contributed 137 yards and a TD, Mewelde (who) Moore gained 187 all purpose yards, and Josh Brown connected on 4 field goals.  The highlights don’t stop there… every player on this team contributed to their 118 points… the SFFL high score of the week!  There were some “Points in the Pen”.  The score would’ve been…

Explosives 125 Gone Southsiders for the Winter 66

Pigs 62 Buffs 55

The Pigskins painfully squeaked by the Buffalo Soldiers last night.  Despite the hype of their 4-2 record, the Pigs are the second lowest scoring team in the SFFL averaging 66 points per game.  I don’t think this team is really going anywhere.  They'll continue to put up these snoozing numbers… unless their big four stars (Hass, Ahman, Clinton, and Hines) come alive.  The Pigskins’ highlights included Clinton Portis rumbling for 182 all purpose yards against the Chicago Bears in a punt fest… no TDs… Ahman Green with 84 all purpose yards and throwing a 20 yard touchdown pass to Donald Driver… and, Matt Hasselbeck throwing for 349 yards and 2 interceptions…. no touchdowns.  Rather, you know… pathetic!  But (thank God!), the Buffs were equally pathetic this week too.  Last week the Buffs bench scored 72 points!  This week the Buffs starters scored only 55 points… the same as Co-low scorer of the week Southsiders.  The Buffs highlights came from Marc Bulger (264 yards, 2 TDs), Duuuuuuuuce Staley (106 yards), and Terry Glenn (137 yards).  Michael Clayton (benched) was impressive on MNF, in high def at Brad’s house, with 142 yards.  Tiki Barber was on bye… so he’ll be back next week for the Buffs tilt against the Southsiders.  There were some “Points in the Pen” for both teams.  The outcome could’ve been… a tie!

Pigs 76 Buffs 76  (TIE)

Bears 78 Cubed 71

The Bear Necessities clawed past P-Cubed during Monday Night Football last night… winning by the slim margin of only 7 points.  Torry Holt had a huge game for P-Cubed with 124 yards and 2 TDs… but it wasn’t enough.  Those in attendance at Schumann Stadium were pulling for a third Holt TD reception.  Brad needed just a 20 yard touchdown pass from Bulger to Holt to win, that’s all.  Or, if Holt could have kicked 3 field goals... or, if Holt could’ve thrown a 40 yard touchdown pass to somebody.  It didn’t happen… but if it did it would have looked great on Brad’s new 43” Hitachi widescreen high definition TV!  I must say, all joking aside, the game looked great!  The Bear Necessities got just enough from Aaron Brooks (274 yards, 2TDs), Randy Moss (89 yards, TD), Thomas Jones (119 yards), Terrell Owens (123 yards), and Drew Bennett (59 yards, TD).  The only problem this week for Butch could be the hamstrung Moss.  All internet sites say Randy is a fast healer.  So expect Moss to be a factor in week 7 after all.  P-Cubed hopes to regroup behind the up and down Chris Brown and Chad Pennington… oh, and Shockey will be back from his bye.  There were “Points in the Pen” for both teams… Brad could’ve won!!!

Bears 79 Cubed 93  (Brad Wins, Brad Wins!)

Riders 89 Fleas 78

The Rough Riders made things rough for the Flea Flickers, but with the optimal lineup the Fleas could’ve won.  For the Fleas, Michael Vick was pretty awesome!  Oh look! It's Michael Vick! You remember him right? Thanks for showing up this week Mike, all those like Brian who drafted him probably had his non-point producing butt on the bench. Look at the trend: sucky game, sucky game, negative points, sucky game...then this? Vick had 218 yards passing and 2 TDs as well as 35 rushing and another score on the ground. The type of game everyone had thought they’d expect every week. Whatever you do Brian...don't fall for this trap laid down by the Evil Fantasy Football Gods.  Chances are he will have more sucky games!   On the bench Jeff Garcia was awesome too (ok, I probably should never use the word awesome in reference to Jeff Garcia).  He threw 4 touchdowns and had 310 yards passing as he spread the ball all over the field!  Fleas’ Corey Dillon continues his torrid pace gaining 111 yards and 2 TDs… and, Joe Horn scores again.  For the Rough Riders, they played their optimal lineup… the highlights were Curtis “My Favorite” Martin gaining 131 yards and 2 TDs… Jake Plummer 190 yards, 3 TDs… and, Keyshawn “Gimme the Damn Ball” Johnson 74 yards and a TD.  The Flea Flickers left “Points in the Pen” and could have a win…

Riders 89 Fleas 96  (Fleas Win, Fleas Win!)

Cats 83 Pucks 66

My, my, my… what happened here?  Just two weeks ago Will’s Puck Fackers were cruising along undefeated.  This week the once lowly Blackcats beat the Puck Fackers rather convincingly by 17 points!  That Cat ain’t dead yet… behind the arm (298 yards passing, 2 TDs) and legs (25 yards, 1 rushing TD) of Byron Leftwich… the kid who shredded the Chiefs’ D… which is a little like beating up Steve Urkel...you have to do it, but it isn't anything you'll brag about (what?).  I’m kicking myself now for trading Leftwich and Boldin for Hines Ward.  These are two great keepers!  Another Blackcat highlight… Andre Davis had 1 catch...so you're thinking, "That's it? That sucks". It was a 99 yard touchdown catch!  One catch which makes for a solid fantasy day in this case.  And, there’s the usual numbers from Shaun Alexander you’ve come to expect… 107 yards and a TD.  Puck Fackers are really dependent on Donnovan McNabb… and that’s not a bad thing.  When he’s on… much like Dante Culpepper... look out!  But he wasn’t on this past weekend.  Priest was… 122 yards and a TD.  The Puck’s also got help from Westbrook (90 yards, TD) and Plexico Burress (48 yards, TD).  Unfortunately for me, I’m sure the Puck Fackers are about ready to explode, they’ll probably take their frustrations (2 game losing streak) out on me next week… hope I can score more than 66 points!  The Blackcats appear more formidable now, as long as Leftwich continues to shine…  they’ve got Andre Davis and Shaun Alexander playing well… Todd Heap will be back from injury in a few games… and, don’t forget the newly acquired Anquan Boldin will be playing soon!  The Balckcats played their optimum lineup this week.  There were “Points in the Pen” for the Puck Fackers.  The score could’ve been…

Cats 83 Pucks 70

Widowmakers  75 Teasers 66

Mikey was chocking on deer sausage last night up until halftime… then, Marshall Faulk finally burst through the Tampa Bay defense for a 1 yard touchdown run.  Just discussing keepers gets Mike’s stomach growling… Roethlisburger, Leftwich, Curry, Graham, …  Not one of the Widowmakers better weeks, but just enough to claim the best overall record in the SFFL at 5-1.  The lone lost is to division rival Buffalo Soldiers.  If the trade rumor with Southsiders is true… Mikey will have so much fire power he won’t know who to start next week(s).  Word has it that the Widows may send Javon Walker, Ruben Droughns and Marcus Robinson to the Southsiders for McAllister, Bruce, Harrison, Gates, and the Eagles Defense.  You heard it here first!  Maybe Mikey is pulling our collective legs.  Back to our game report… Widow’s highlights were starters Faulk (69 yards, TD), Tomlinson (80 yards, TD) and Tony Gonzalez (81 yards, TD).  On the bench, Mikey left Droughs (180 yards, TD), Robinson (32 yards, 2 TDs), and Vinny Testicles (284 yards, TD).  Chad Johnson sent Pepto-Bismol to the Browns before this week’s game… that was a brilliant move. Nothing like firing up the other team and then getting your ass shut down. Johnson managed 3 catches for 37 yards. I understand the whole "Carson needs to learn the ropes" reason for him starting, but Mikey’s getting sick of suffering through this crap with Chad Johnson on his team. Palmer couldn't hit his own ass in the mirror with a pass.  D-Teasers had a rough week… the highlights were Lee Suggs 119 yards and a receiving TD, plus David Akers 3 field goals.  DT left Donald Driver on the bench who gained 110 yards receiving and 2 TDs.  Needless to say, there were “Points in the Pen”.  The score could’ve been…

Widowmakers 105 Teasers 89

A list you want to be on…

Optimal Lineups – Managers of the week

Week 1 – Puck Fackers, D-Teasers

Week 2 – Puck Fackers, D-Teasers, P-Cubed, C4 Explosives, Buffalo Soldiers, Flea Flickers

Week 3 – Puck Fackers, P-Cubed, Bear Necessities, Pigskins, Rough Riders

Week 4 – D-Teasers, Bear Necessities, Rough Riders, Widowmakers, Blackcats

Week 5 – Widowmaker, Blackcats

Week 6 – Rough Riders, Blackcats

A list you don’t want to be on…

Optimal Wins – games you would have won with the optimal lineup in

Week 1 – Blackcats, Flea Flickers, C4 Explosives

Week 2 – Roughriders, Pigskins (TIE)

Week 3 – Southsiders

Week 4 – NA

Week 5 – P-Cubed

Week 6 – P-Cubed, Flea Flickers, Buffalo Soldiers (TIE)

And finally, back by popular (Hennings) demand…

Where’s Widow? the Pigskins?