Oink, oink, snort… here comes the Hog Report® for week 7.

Hog of the Week – Would it be the “new and improved” Widowmakers? A team so stacked that they’ll probably begin a winning streak comparable to that of the less talented but equally dominate New England Patriots (historical 20 game regular season record in the NFL).  How could I stoop so low…. No, rather it’s the fine play of the D-Teasers, who in my mind out scored and out played the Widowmakers.  This is a new DT team, complete with Rudi Johnson and Darrell Jackson acquired for Andre Johnson… in the aftermath of the biggest SFFL trade ever!  How did DT get involved (again) in the aftermath of the league’s biggest (and most controversial) trade ever?  Last year it was the Stephen Davis for Marcel Shipp and Andre Johnson… I need a running back (Augie)!  This year the Widowmakers and Southsiders  execute a trade (fiasco)… if you call it a trade.  Other words come to my mind… highway robbery, slight of hand, pulling the wool over somebody’s eyes… and my buddie DT benefits.  Say what?  How did that happen?  Here it goes… Rudi Johnson is traded to Widowmakers, then packaged with D-Jack for Andre Johnson.  A smart move and a win-win situation for both teams.  Much like the Hines Ward for Clinton Portis trade 2 years ago, both teams benefited.  The main trade between the  Widowmakers and the Southsiders was a little more complicated (it involved 10 players) and less mutually beneficial.  The strangest part of the trade came when Boo Williams was sent to the Southsiders and then later dropped… I don’t get that?  Mikey says he acquired nice backups and Brian received nice keepers.  Yeah right.  Heck, I’d say DT feeling pretty good about the whole thing… he’s got Rudi and D-Jack and is the Hog of the Week.  Congrats to DT!

HOTW Past winners…

Week 1 – Puck Fackers, Buffalo Soldiers

Week 2 – P-Cubed, Rough Riders

Week 3 – Bear Necessities

Week 4 – D-Teasers

Week 5 – C4 Explosives, Rough Riders

Week 6 – C4 Explosives

Week 7 – D-Teasers

The Hog Report® presents its exclusive ‘post game analysis’…  this year, to expand upon our reputation of providing totally useless information, we take a look at what could have been.  Aided by highly sophisticated gadgetry (calculators) and state-of-the-art statistical notation (paper and pencil), this publication has compiled mind-numbing estimatics (report below) that backwardly projects optimal scores based on optimal lineups… 

Or what we like to call, “Points in the Pen”.

Teasers 111 Cats 74

What can I say, DT’s for real… now.  The Teasers score 7 touchdowns between their QB, RBs, and WRs.  Combine that with the nice play of the Kicker (2 FGs) and Defensive team… DT crushed the Blackcats by 37 points!  Peyton Manning had a great statistical day (368 yards, 3 TDs) in a losing effort against Jacksonville, but I'm sure he'd rather have the W (for the Indianapolis Colts).  The Blackcats received another awesome game from J’ville’s Byron Leftwich (308 yards, 2 TDs).  The kid’s the real deal. The kid stays cool as can be in the final minutes of a game and always seems to get that game winning drive done.  On Sunday the Colts couldn’t stop him.  A pretty nice keeper huh Augie.  There were some points in the Cats pen… the score could’ve been:

Teasers 111 Cats 81

The Evil Empire (formerly known as Widowmakers) 101 Rough Riders 71

Enough said about the ridiculous trade… The Evil Empire hang on to beat the Rough Riders on MNF behind an incredible performance by Chad “Pepto” Johnson.  Talk about touchdowns… The Evil Empire also got 7 TDs and 2 FGs.  The Rough Riders couldn’t get much going… the big scoring they received was from their D.  PRIMETIME cashes in on a pick… yes he's a great player… yes he's making a comeback as an old man. It doesn't mean I want to watch the interception over and over and over on the highlights. What can I say? Buffalo couldn't do jack against the Baltimore Defense… Bledsoe chucked 4 INT's… Travis Henry and Willis McGahee were contained.  There were some points in the pen… Testaverde scored more than Brady (Ha, Ha)… the score could’ve been:

The Evil Empire 111 Rough Riders 91

Pucks 100 Pigs 93

The Pigskins’ players finally showed up, but the Puck Fackers have McNabb and Holmes… so they win.  McNabb went silly hooking up twice with TO for TDs, then throwing 2 more TDs on the day.  Priest Holmes finally rewarded Will as he put up 4 TDs and well over 100 total yards in the 1st half! 4 TDs in one half? He then sprained his ankle and left the game allowing Derrick Blaylock to come in and get his 4 TDs! Yes, 4 more rushing TDs by Will’s 2nd string RB!  It wasn’t meant to be…  and this whole K-Drop thing… ughhhh.  The guy is quickly becoming the biggest loser to ever set foot in the NFL, and that's saying something. He'll get hit with a drug suspension, and the Hawks bring in Jerry Rice. He's 92 years old. All the media attention from these events surely took its toll on the Hawks, but still… then, Hasseledcrack throws 4 INT's and only 1 touchdown. This was a horrible game for the Seahawks and this was a horrible game for anyone that owns Seahawks in fantasy football.  There were points in the pen…

Pucks 131 Pigs 113

Buffs 87 Widow’s Keepers (formerly known as Southsiders) 56

I really can’t believe the Southsiders dropped Boo Williams… it might have been the difference here.  Boo was dropped… got pissed off… and then the whole team suffered.  The Buffs are the Tiki Barber show. I don't know what they're putting in the water in New York, but Tiki is playing out of this world this season. Tiki had 70 rushing, 102 receiving including a 62 yard touchdown. He has been fantasy football nirvana this year.  The Southsiders are obviously playing for next year after the blockbuster deal where they received Ruben Droughns, Javon Walker, Marcus Robinson, and Boo Williams.  Southsiders’ McNair couldn't last the game and Billy Volek threw 3 INT's in relief.  But the grass is starting to look greener… There were points in the pen… the score could’ve been:

Buffs 116 Widow’s Keepers 61

Supreme Ruler 85 P-Cubed 58

C4 sneaks past another week without Jam Lewis… This week Culpepper had a very average game. Without Randy Moss, the Viking offense isn't the same. I know all week everyone said, "They have a ton of weapons", and "someone else will step up". Wrong. Without the Freak, this offense just isn't as explosive. Stuffedpepper only managed 183 yards and 1 touchdown...can we kill all the Marino record breaking talk now?  On a side note, Mewelde Moore is just not giving that job back. He had 138 rushing and 30 receiving. That's 3 straight monster games. Oncocainio Smith and Brittle Bennett are going to have a hard time prying some carries form this kid.  Wait until Mike Tice starts spouting garbage about a RB-ratio… Augie has already ordered a Mike Tice voodoo doll so he can stick pins in his ass when he plays each RB for 10 carries.  For P-Cubed… Torry Holt...1 catch for 4 yards.  That's on the first drive right?  No.  First quarter?  Nope.  First half?  Nope.  The entire game?  Yes, the entire game.  What the hell happened there?  I know Miami's secondary is good, but not that damn good.  There were points in Brad Schumann’s P-Cubed pen… the score could’ve been:

Supreme Ruler 85 P-Cubed 74

Bears 93 Fleas 53

The Bears continue to roll…   Butch was trying to peddle Bret Favre around all week.  Butch told us so... Favre spread the ball all over and had a great game.   The Bear Necessities TO acted like an ass after he scored, throwing the ball at a poster that read "TO has B.O."  For one, how about using some self control? Act like you've been in the end zone before and don't let some fan get to you. For two, the guy that made that sign should be slapped. That is a stupid sign. TO has BO? That's the best you could do? Moron.  How ‘bout “TO is a BOZO”?   The Fleas struggled… I'm sure Brian was drooling over the Vick versus Kansas City defense match up and yet another disappointment. Give up on Vick this year...he doesn't have it.  There were points in the pen… the score could’ve been:

Bears 93 Fleas 66

A list you want to be on…

Optimal Lineups – Managers of the week

Week 1 – Puck Fackers, D-Teasers

Week 2 – Puck Fackers, D-Teasers, P-Cubed, C4 Explosives, Buffalo Soldiers, Flea Flickers

Week 3 – Puck Fackers, P-Cubed, Bear Necessities, Pigskins, Rough Riders

Week 4 – D-Teasers, Bear Necessities, Rough Riders, Widowmakers, Blackcats

Week 5 – Widowmaker, Blackcats

Week 6 – Rough Riders, Blackcats

Week 7 – D-Teasers, C4 Explosives, Buffalo Soldiers

A list you don’t want to be on…

Optimal Wins – games you would have won with the optimal lineup in

Week 1 – Blackcats, Flea Flickers, C4 Explosives

Week 2 – Roughriders, Pigskins (TIE)

Week 3 – Southsiders

Week 4 – None

Week 5 – P-Cubed

Week 6 – P-Cubed, Flea Flickers, Buffalo Soldiers (TIE)

Wee 7 – None

And finally, back by popular demand…

Where’s The Evil Empire (formerly known as the Widowmakers)?