HOG Report® Preseason Primer

 

Oink, oink, snort... here's comes something ”totally useless" ... the Hog Report®.

 

Let's give it up for the new member of the SFFL...  Drew Dockery.  Many of you have not met him yet.  Here's a picture of Drew...

 

 

 He calls his team the War Pigs... imagine that. 

 

Good luck Drew!  Oh, and nice logo...

 

Let's get on with our preseason team by team analysis.  Our "Supreme Leader" instituted a deadline of 6pm September 1st for each team to announce their 2005 keepers.  Not much else to go on, but this writer's just itching to write about something...

 

Doomsday Division

 

Speaking of the War Pigs, owner Drew Dockery combed through Will Nott's remaining roster and found a few diamonds in those dreaded locks.  Drew will keep WRs... Stokely ($6), Wayne ($6), McCareins ($2).  We're a little surprised that QB David Carr ($10) wasn't in the mix and McCareins was.  Hmmm... Well, let's not prejudge the new owner's intelligence yet.  My sources tell me that this owner knows the ropes.  War Pigs... sounds like some derivative of the Pigskins.  He may have something there....

 

The Pigskins keep newly acquired Trent Green ($15), Julius Jones ($1), and Jason Witten ($1).  Green came over in a deal that sent Super Bowl MVP WR Deion Branch to P-Cubed.  QB Drew Brees became expendable with the acquisition of Green.  Pigskin management swung a deal last week to acquire Tatum Bell ($30) for Brees, but the former Teaser didn't make the cut.  Tatum Bell's days may be numbered in this league.  Let's see how the draft goes...

 

Speaking of the Teasers, owner DT received comeback player of the year Drew Brees ($1) in the deal that sent Tatum Bell to the Pigskins.  This Northwestern grad plans to keep the Boilermaker from the college sometimes referred to as the cradle of quarterbacks.  Brees will hand the ball off to DeShaun Foster ($4) and Steven Jackson ($16).  We in the SFFL have learned to never underestimate this owner.  Don't let Olandis Gary or Marc Boerigter throw you.  Beware!

 

The explosive C4 Explosives keep Mewelde Moore ($1).  This writer is shocked that this Minnesota fan didn't keep Culpepper.  My guess is that Matt will still bid on his former QB when the auction begins.  Matt stole Michael Bennett during last years draft for $40 (hee, hee).  Who will he steal this year?  Maybe Viking wide out Marcus Robinson?  Hmmmm...  Hey, don't worry about the "Supreme Commissioner" he'll be in the mix at the end...

 

C Division

 

Big Bear's fan Butch Eads, owner of the Bear Necessities, keeps Brett Favre ($16), Michael Clayton ($1) and the Bears DST ($2).  The Necessities passed on Ben Roethlisberger ($1) and Drew Bennett ($3)... go figure.  Butch has ridden the big named WRs in the past... Terrell Owens, Randy Moss... with this move it appears he's going with youth.  It's hard to teach old dogs new tricks....

 

P-Cubed made waves across the league with a trade two weeks ago that sent Trent Green to the Pigskins for Deion Branch.  It appears that Branch must have failed the strenuous physical that the team physician put him through.  Word is he hasn't been able to walk for weeks!  Owner Brad Schumann also waived highly touted Brandon Loyld out of the University of Illinois.  Figures... he is an Ohio State fan.  Keeper Nazi... no keepers here!

 

Blackcats have a stable of good keepers and have whittled down the mix to Byron Leftwich ($4), Kevin Jones ($21), and Anquan Boldin ($1).  This Jacksonville Jaguar fan is chomping at the bit to bid on 6-6 240 lb Matt Jones.  Let's see how high he goes.  This might be the year for the devoted Cub fan.  Or maybe... he'll have to wait until next year!  We'll see.....

 

The Flea Flickers have moved from the Doomsday division to the C Division this year.  Current C Division members see this as an upgrade in schedule.  Parker will keep Nate Burleson ($3).  This publication has raised eyebrows over the fact that Eli Manning ($1) and Joe Horn ($54) were given their walking papers.  Maybe that horn is a little to expensive for Brian to blow?  The Flickers enter the draft with more cash.  Let's see how the Fleas draft....

 

Three Athletes and a Thinker:

 

The Southsiders, last year's patsy, will keep Ronald Curry ($3), Roy Williams ($8), and Javon Walker ($1).  This seems to fall in line with the War Pigs strategy.  Wait a minute, what about Reuben Droughns?  Wasn't this the guy Cunningham was to build his team around?  Why don't we let this one die?  Brian's team went really south last year, and I know he won't let that happen again - or at least not plan to.  This is a good nucleus to start with.  Let's see if he drafts McNair again....

 

The Rough Riders keep Edgerrin James ($96) and Larry Fitzgerald ($30).  This comes at quite of a surprise to me.  I figured he'd keep Curtis Martin ($44) instead.  Roosevelt keeps two solid players here and will draft will the smallest available budget left among the league of twelve teams.  He has $174 dollars left... ouch!  You never really know what will happen, look at last year's draft...

 

Which brings me to our defending champion Buffalo Soldiers.  Last year nobody would have thought his draft was championship caliber.  But, it was.  This year Matt will keep... nobody.  What?  Nobody?  There's nobody worth keeping off of that championship roster?  How about Aaron Brooks ($7) or maybe Tiki Barber ($61)?  I'm sure the defending champ has his reasons.  The big question is... can he repeat?  He can admire the hardware for the next few months, but what then???

 

Last (hopefully), but not least... we come to the Widowmakers... the league's nemesis.  Hennings keeps Antonio Gates ($8), Ryan Longwell ($6), and the Eagles DST ($1).  I can't believe he didn't keep his man, Tom Brady ($8).  He'll probably wait until the end of the draft again and bid $5 for him when everyone's out of money.  Let's give the evil empire a little love.  Poor Mike has been seen in the halls lamenting that he hasn't had time to study for the draft yet.  Boo hoo... we feel sorry for the Widowmakers.  History shows Hennings will again be one of the highest scoring teams in the league.  No sympathy here....

 

What's all this mean?  Nothing... the draft is Thursday night.  I'm bringing cheesy potatoes.  See you there.

 

Merschinator out.